I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
All the doctor said was why
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
