she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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