great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
