I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
