So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
