I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
