My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
