dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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