I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
