shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
