I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Randomize
