I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
