Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
it was like eating out sand paper
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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