It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
