Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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