I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
