I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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