Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
