How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
