you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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