Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
