The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
