dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
