she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
