i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize