Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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