I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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