party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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