There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
