Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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