I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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