sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
