the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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