I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
