dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
