My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
