He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
