I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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