Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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