Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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