I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
