I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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