I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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