my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
