tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
