if you like me you must not know who I am
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
