So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
