Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
