How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
