We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
