2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
