I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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