It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
