Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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