It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
